Anthony of the bus, store and first attempt to marry me off.

an evening grocery trip with Mom.  i was about 10 or 11 years old.  Anthony, a high school boy (you could say he was already a man) was bagging our groceries.  he recognized me from the bus we both rode.  he made quiet and flirtatious conversation.  carried the 2 bags of groceries to the car; all the while walking so close to me our bodies touched every couple steps.  my mother liked him; liked that he obviously liked me; liked that he had a job; loved the fact that he looked to be a really raunchy guy.  tall and dark, italian, jacked up teeth, bold and was so clearly knowledgable of sex.  in the car going home, my mother went on about how he looks like the type of guy that you would find working on a car engine with a greasy white shirt and a cigarette in his mouth.  she told me too much.  from then on every bus ride with him was interractive.  flirtatious play, staring, looking me up and down - sizing me up for what he could do to me - as he sits in a seat to himself - body sprawled and staring at me and smiling, motioning for me to come sit with him.  i was too shy.  i knew was sex involved, but he looked like he could really hurt me.  a novice he was obviously not.  i was filled with fear and fascination.  he was a good 18 years old and i was a child, 6th grade.

i wondered often why my mother wanted me to have him as my boyfriend.  i knew he was way too old, and way too dangerous; but mom didnt think so.  she was lost in the days when you went on a date and had dinner and a movie.  dates are not like that anymore - not when  it comes to an 18 yr old rough boy and a 11 year old girl child,  not when it comes to most people for that matter.

i contemplated many times on that bus; what would my life be like if he was my boyfriend?  i would have gotten pregnant right away no doubt.  then what ?  my parents would be furious with me for having sex at my age.  (even though i was getting parental encouragement).  would i move in with him and have a bunch of kids before im even "legal"?  would the law consider that rape?  would my parents consider it rape?  would anyone care?  i would be just another little slut who got herself knocked up and now my life is a total waste?  or.....  would all those things happen and still i'd end up with an amazing life to share with my childhood love?  how would the cards fall?

i think i made the right choice.  despite the temptation i never sat in the seat with him, i didnt let him get close enough to touch me anymore (day by day i was getting wiser).  i was scared of his powerful energy and soft pushy flirts.  i was scared of his body and what it would do to me; i was afraid of the pain.  i was scared he would end up beating me if i made him angry (something i learned from my father at home).  i was full of fear.  that fear may have just saved my life, or stifled it.  i just didnt go there out of fear, so now i'm here.